WALKING ON EGGS

Most of the time feelings are comfortable in conversations with people. However, there are occasions when it becomes necessary to be very guarded in how we speak to another person. It's usually a situation in which we tread lightly around a sensitive topic or make every effort not to offend a potentially volatile or hypersensitive person. Politicians sometimes will use caution as well as diplomacy to avoid possible arguments regarding certain issues. Then, there are family members who are very careful to avoid talking to a loved one whose serious medical diagnosis recently has been revealed. Employers sometimes find it difficult to offer suggestions to an employee who is known to be very sensitive to receiving any form of constructive criticism regarding the outcome or progress of a work project, particularly if the employee is known to be easily upset.

Any of these preceding situations occur as part of the whole human condition. Yet, there are individuals who have poor anger management skills or a hair trigger temper. The slightest offense or deviation from a usual routine may be enough to set off an emotional outburst or even a physical reaction. This potential volatility may be enough to cause others to modify their own behavior and actions to maintain a tense but workable social environment. Avoiding a temperamental person may be viewed as a form of self-preservation often accompanied by a degree of anxiety or dismay. Failing to maintain a calm non-confrontational atmosphere may end badly.

Some people who show emotional instability or vulnerable temperaments have been identified in the field of psychology as possessing a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions and feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. The causes of (BPD) are unknown; but, genetic, family, and social factors play a role.

Professionals and researchers such as Drs. Kernberg, Beck, Gunderson, and Herman all concur that people with a Borderline Personality Disorder typically see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down upon the next day. Such shifts in feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. These people have primitive defenses that include magical thinking. For example, they may think that someone is reacting negatively toward them without bothering to find out if their perception is correct. Therefore, they become impatient and appear to reject others.

Unfortunately, it is sometimes very difficult and uncomfortable for friends or relatives to relate socially in the presence of an individual with a Borderline Personality Disorder. Friends become sensitive to the distancing that is created and will either avoid the person or become very obsequious or submissive to that person. Relatives often try to appeal to them suggesting ways to change their behavior but are unsuccessful.

.Most people are aware of their shortcomings but rarely are willing to face them. They continue to convey and exhibit many behaviors that are characteristic of a borderline personality. It's sad that some of us need to "walk on eggs" to get along with those who can only see black and white but no gray.






 

MIAMI DOLPHINS
ARE AN INSPIRATION 

     I have found the Miami Dolphins to be a very dedicated, motivated and loyal team. Their record this season was by no means high in the rankings of the football leagues but the Miami Dolphin entire organization deserves to be highly praised for what it has accomplished. Following the team's games this season has set a very good example to me and anyone who has at some time experienced failure or a defeat. To see the team rally together with such a united spirit sets a model of great courage and fortitude. They aroused in me as a spectator continued confidence to know that adversity always can be overcome. The drive to succeed is an essential ingredient for good mental health. Sometimes people lose sight of the human potential they have. How important it is to always face challenges regardless of the obstacles they encounter. Usually going uphill is much more difficult than going downhill and we saw this happen all the way from the Dolphins' preseason games to the last ones. Yet, they never faltered but kept moving onward. 
 
   Having taught at a university for twenty years and been a practicing psychologist I am very aware of the many trials and tribulations we humans face throughout life. What I admire so much is how well the Dolphin organization, which involved not only the team members but the coaches and managers, joined together to support each other to bring their season to a positive, uplifting, and I might say, victorious conclusion. Regardless of the scores, the effort to succeed against failure deserves to be highly honored. The Miami Dolphins are a true inspiration to all of us.

AGE

Birth starts the day

For one to grow

Making the way

To reach a stage

That shows a blossom

Almost ready to pick

But plucked too soon

May leave no room

For its stems to flourish

Time and patience

Love and affection

Become the sources

To nourish perfection

 

 

    FIRE

Strike a match

The flame is bright

Just one scratch

And you have a light

For use as you wish

A cigarette to inhale

It's bad to breathe

Or a fire for life

A tool for warmth

A well cooked meal

A path in the dark

A torch to roads

Leading to new goals

 

LOOKING BACK

    Seniors now retired often reminisce about their younger years and in looking back sometimes express regret that they had not accomplished some things, gone to college or even finished high school. Feelings of nostalgia engulf them and they long for their younger years when they were physically and mentally adroit to master all kinds of feats they now watch the younger generation enjoy. This nostalgia can blunt the wonderful human potential they still have now to empower themselves. It seems that the trials and tribulations they have experienced in life have weighed heavily upon them so much so that they have lost sight of who they are and what strength and energy they have. This situation is often labeled incorrectly depression.
    If they are in good physical condition, it's really more an attitude of "misery likes company ". That is to say, for them it's easier to lament over their emptiness than to take the bull by the horns and become active in new pursuits. People with such an outlook have often had disappointments or been discouraged when they were younger. The mental abilities they had when they were younger are still with them. It's just they are at this stage of life blindsided by trying to look back deluded in thinking their physical strength is the same as their mental ability. The fact of the matter is their body is not at the level it was at age twenty.
    Now that you have reached this place in reading this article you might think these preceding ideas don't apply to you. But for those who identify with what I have said try to realize that your life is still vibrant and full of opportunities for you to enjoy. Stop malingering in the past because that will stunt your growth. Your past experiences may have contributed to your feelings of anger as well as disappointment. You could be living with lingering anger, too. Feelings of envy, jealousy or even revenge can haunt you. You have the ability to rise above these negative views and change your attitude.
    If you think that you have had a raw deal along your life's road, remember you are not the only one who has lived with misery and even so  it does not mean you have to be trapped in miserable past thoughts. Nostalgia is sometimes your tool used to project blame on others for your own lack of accomplishment. You own those things you missed doing. You're melancholy is an escape from taking responsibility for your life. It's an attitude that becomes an excuse to sit and brood over what you don't have and can't do. It's called indolence and, if you really think about it, you have developed it as a skill to being idle, apathetic, indifferent, uninterested, listless or lethargic.
    I don't believe, as some might say that you have become lazy. This word brings me to a play on words because if one chooses to say that you are lazy, I believe it's not so.  Being lazy is what you are doing. You are not doing anything? You are doing something " nothing!" The interesting thing is you have become habituated to doing nothing so long that it's time to  stop being stagnant and start looking forward.      






 

LOVE CAN LAST

It all starts with you. Yes, understand that you can only love if you love yourself. The question then becomes how does one develop self love? I guess it all begins when you are a little baby. How were you touched? How were you fondled? How were you held? What sounds did you hear? Were they soft, loud, or gentle? Did you see faces that were smiling or frowning? These questions are answered by the vibrations they provided you. If they were warm and tender, then you felt comfortable and safe. You were at ease to reach out to the world and embrace it. Now, you may not remember those early sensations but they developed and if they continued to be positive as you grew older you really got to love yourself. You really loved your feelings so much so that you now become able to share those feelings with others. You have developed the ingredients of love that give you pleasure in life.

    If you have been blessed with children then they have grown to love by the model you have set for them. If you have a positive self concept, then they will know it by the way you relate to them. If you have been nasty, belligerent, or angry as they were growing up, don't be quick to blame them when they act that way to you. After all, the behavior you modeled may come home to haunt you. Remember, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." When they leave the nest and live on their own you would like to believe that they are free agents and should know how to behave and relate nicely with you and other people. However, like it or not, vestiges of your nurturing have become a part of them. So, in your senior years of life what's the answer?

If, as I said earlier, you have lived with a positive self concept, you will reap the rewards of a healthy loving relationship with your children. Even If you have a negative self concept you still have an opportunity to change your perceptions to a positive view of life because the infant vibrations you received were not transmitted genetically. You learned from them. But it won't necessarily be easy because think about the many years you have become what you are. It takes a lot of courage to really look into yourself and recognize who you have become. If you have the willingness to be introspective and have enough self confidence, you can change your perceptions. The change will be refreshing, not only to yourself, but to your children.

It's important to understand that if you are really committed and motivated to modify your self concept, recognize the change may not be rapid but it will occur. Even your loved ones may be surprised, at first, to see you in a different light. They might think you are showing something of yourself that makes them feel you are pretending. Don't let that discourage you. Remember, the good feelings of love you share will be catching, attractive and everlasting for yourself as well as others. Love does last if it is authentic.



                                                       

 

STRANGERS MEET

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Huggles

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Curly

   




   

Early in the morning the sun was just peeking over the horizon and it was time for my imagination to take flight.  I heard birds singing as a chorus.  Sometimes the woodpecker would keep the rhythm for the birds' melodies.  As the sun covered the landscape one could see the flower buds open into a gorgeous assortment of colors. 

    I looked out of my window and saw a beautiful white rabbit with ears perked up like antennas monitoring the sounds around.  Nearby, perched on his hind feet, was a furry brown squirrel nibbling on an acorn held in his front paws.  He too, with his head bobbing quickly from side to side was sensitive listening and watching carefully.  When a leaf rustled he was quick to notice if anything was about to move.  
    For reasons still unexplained these two little creatures appeared in my yard almost every morning.  I became fascinated by their presence and decided to earn their friendship.  Ever since I was a little boy I knew that rabbits like carrots and squirrels like nuts.  So I began gathering this food for them and every morning before they arrived I placed some nuts and carrots on the grass a few feet apart and waited by my window.  Sure enough they arrived. 
     At first, for a few days, they would come by scurrying about but not touch the food.  They had minds of their own and I was in no way going to influence them to my bidding.  But I realize I would not let my patience run out.  Enjoying their visits, I gave them a name.  The rabbit looked so soft and cuddly I called Huggles.  The squirrel with his bushy tail often moved it up and down whipping it rapidly from side to side even into a twirl.   So, his name became Curly.  It was so much fun just to see how they bobbed and hopped.  The second week something very interesting was happening.  Huggles and Curly began to partake of the nourishment.  But, Huggles only tasted the carrots and Curly the nuts.  That was okay with me.  After all, don't we humans have our preferences? 

    After a few more weeks I noticed that they seemed to take time to sit for a few moments and just look at each other.  It seems that their curiosities were aroused and before you could wink an eye, Curly jumped for a carrot and Huggles for a nut.  After munching the sample of each other's food they looked at each other again and their noses began to wiggle as if they were trying to say something to one another.  

    Every day for a week each would sample then their noses would wiggle.  I think they were talking to each other with their noses.  As the next weeks moved along they began to rub each other's noses and after sharing their food would cuddle.  One morning after a month passed by, I noticed a third little creature about the size of a mouse appeared sitting between them.  It had Curly's tail and Huggles' ears with light brown fur and a nose like theirs.  Wow!   They had sired an heir named Rascal.  So I believe animals like people, strangers at first, can meet and fall in love.